Lady friend: Hey baby where you at?
Arj: I’m still at the ass-shram.
Lady friend: How’s it going?
Arj: It’s going killer. The instructor just told us to do a 45 min. meditation
Lady friend: Really?
Arj: I nailed it in 10!
Lady friend: No way!
Arj: Owned! (ed. note: Om-ed?)
I’m the illest Buddhist you’ve seen
All the ladies wanna meditate with me
I look so serene when I bust a lotus
But I don’t have an ego so I wouldn’t even notice
I think of you before I think of myself
That’s probably why people think I’m so chill
But still I’m hell of intense
My clothes have little bells and they smell like incense
It’s so dope when I focus on my breath
‘Cause I floss all the time and I chew big red
I don’t smoke weed but I burn sage by the pound
Wave it all around til the air turns brown
I’m all krunked up on kombucha and juice
Never heard of kama sutra? Let me introduce
Step in to my hybrid we head over to my bed
64 positions I think you’re gonna like it
One hand clapping fuck that Yo more like the sound of a one-legged standing Ohh!
I’m blown up the dharma like what! ‘Cause I’m the sickest Buddhist and I’m kickin Buddha butt
I just went to the class for a laugh
Maybe meet some chicks
But as it comes to pass
I kick ass at this pacifist shit.
Non-attachment—I just mastered it
You don’t believe me? You don’t think I’m peaceful?
Step up to my face and say that bitch
I’ll non-attach your teeth from your lips
I practice compassion towards friends and enemies
But all these motherfuckers trying to hate on my serenity
He’s so spiritual
Eats organic cereal
His aura is so bright
His chakras are so tight
His energy is light
His hair is so right
He’s so sweet and Buddhist Unh
Is it my Indian roots
My Guatemalan pair of shoes
My extensive collection of expensive Tibetan flutes
I don’t know how or why I’m so Zen
I make the power of now look like the power of then
To hell with Dr. Phil, Oprah and Martha
I chill with Eckhart Tolle, Deepak Chopra and Siddhartha
Buddha taught me to be humble and kind
But I’m so fuckin present I’m like ahead of my time
Enlightenment eludes most til they die
But I opened my third eye on my first try
Why? I don’t know I guess I’m just the bomb
When it comes to modesty I got it goin’ on
• Arj Barker – Sickest Buddhist
(2009, ong. 4 min.)